Taunting
by PPP SSC
Summary: Wanting to make his pain-causing more personal, Chris gets an intern who specializes in getting under teenagers' skin. He's really good, until he turns against Chris. Rated K-plus for mild language and possibly other things.
1. Chris Hires the Taunter

Taunting

Chris McLean was a sadist. He knew what he wanted—he liked it when people suffered, and he liked it when it was obvious. However, he only knew how to get it en masse. He had no experience at deliberately, painstakingly, fine-tuning his attacks so that they would achieve the level of pain known as "personal." He didn't want to live without such access, because it would be boring that way. Chef Hatchet had the solution.

"Hey," he said, "I know a guy who's really good at this."

"A guy who's really good at what?" Chris asked.

Suddenly, the sound of two boots approached, and Chris was visibly surprised. "Hello," the man said, "I've come to intern for free at the beckoning of Chef Hatchet."

"More free interns? That's great!" Chris shouted. "What's your name?"

"My name… is not important right now. You can call me _the Taunter."_

"The Taunter…" Chris said, unconvinced by the name. His face was a mix of disapproval and doubt.

"Yeah, they call me the Taunter because I'm good at getting under people's skins… especially teenagers."

"Oh!" Chris shouted, beginning to grin, "_The Taunter!"_ Chris laughed in the innocuous-sounding way he does, but Chef Hatchet knew its meaning well—it was a very cleverly disguised maniacal laugh.

Chris led the Taunter to the cabins. "This is where the campers are staying—I want you to go visit them, and do your work!"

"No problem," the Taunter said, smiling, heading to one of the cabins.

Chris laughed again, and then Chef Hatchet laughed too. Though Chef Hatchet sounded more threatening in the execution of his laugh, its meaning was not nearly as dangerous.

Chris led the Taunter around the camp, showing him all of the campers. "Here are our campers," Chris said, "Heather…"

"Bite me," Heather responded.

"Gwen…"

"Eh," Gwen shrugged, pretending to be in a hurry.

"Leshawna…"

"I don't know _what _you're up to, Chris, but I don't like it," Leshawna said accusingly.

"Izzy!"

"Oh, boy, are we going to do something awesome!" Izzy asked.

"Maybe later… Lindsay," Chris continued.

"Oh, what are we doing?" Lindsay asked, confused as hell.

"Beth…"

"Hi," Beth yelled perkily.

As all of the girls walked by, the Taunter dutifully took notes of their responses.

"Katie and Sadie!"

"We get called together, because we're BFFFL's!" Katie and Sadie shouted in unison.

"Bridgette…"

"Oh, hello," Bridgette said, politely.

"Eva…"

"What do you want, Chris?" Eva screamed.

Chris backed away, and then said, "Nothing, nothing…Courtney!"

"I really don't appreciate being called last out of all the girls!" Courtney said, in a huff, blowing her bangs into the air.

"A lot of girls," the Taunter responded.

"Actually it's a 50-50 split, but ladies first after all!" Chris shouted, "Trent…"

"Hey, cool, I'm the first guy," Trent said, and then sat next to Gwen, causing her to blush.

"Justin…"

Justin just walked by looking as attractive as he possibly could, and then sat down.

"Owen…"

Owen giggled, and then said, "Sorry, I'm late! I got held up at breakfast! Sweet! The seat next to Justin is empty!"

"Noah…"

Noah walked by, completely nonchalantly, until he noticed the Taunter and Chris were staring at him. "What do you want, a soliloquy?" he asked in a relatively monotonous voice.

"Cody…"

"I'm gonna sit next to Gwen!" Cody shouted, as he ran as fast as he could to sit opposite Gwen to Trent. Gwen slightly grimaced. Cody blushed and grinned.

"Duncan…"

"Listen, McLean, if this is what I _think _it is, I don't like it!" Duncan said angrily.

"DJ…"

"Oh, my, a new friend!" DJ said, and then he waved sweetly.

"Harold…"

"'Sup? I suppose he wants to see my mad skills?" Harold asked, then started acting like a master martial artist, and then tripped. Duncan laughed and Noah rolled his eyes emphatically. The Taunter took notes of these responses as well.

"Tyler…"

"I'm a terrific athlete!" Tyler shouted, then bumped into the bench causing all the campers to roll to the right, and Eva to fall off.

"Someone will pay for this…" Eva said threateningly.

"Geoff…"

Geoff walked across, looking bored, and then, out of nowhere, shouted "Time to party, dude!"

"And finally… Ezekiel!"

"Oh, savin' the best for last, eh?" Ezekiel asked, skidding along the ground, and taking his seat next to Katie and Sadie.

"Well, do you think you can handle it?" Chris asked.

"Yeah," the Taunter said, "This bunch'll be _easy."_


	2. The Taunter Taunts the Screaming Gophers

"Chris tells me your group is called the Screaming Gophers," the Taunter says.

"Well, I mean, technically, I'm a Killer Bass," Izzy said, "But I'm planning for a team switch. That Katie really misses her friend…"

"So wait, Katie and Sadie are on different teams?" the Taunter asked incredulously.

"I know," Izzy responded, "Hard to believe isn't it?"

The Taunter, after briefly being put off-guard by this exchange, shook his head vigorously. He then looked them in the eye, and said, "My name is none of your concern. You will not call me by my name."

"What is your name? Percy? Seymour? Maurice? _Leslie?" _Noah began to ask.

"Did you not hear what I said?" the Taunter asked. "I am known officially as _the Taunter."_

Everyone began to laugh. "The Taunter?" Cody asked, "I think I had that disease one time."

"Silence," the Taunter said, looking directly at Cody. "You don't think I know exactly how you think? You seriously want to get a girl, am I right?"

Cody quieted down and said, "Yeah, that's right."

"But not only are you too ugly, clumsy, and stupid to _ever _get a girlfriend…" he said, causing Cody to sweat visibly and bite his lower lip. "I don't even think you really want one in the first place."

"Wh-what?" Cody asked, "Wh-why would I want to get one, if I didn't want one?"

"Well, I don't know… maybe you're trying to hide your attraction to one of your _other _teammates."

"I don't know what you mean…" Cody said, pushing his fingertips together, "What, do you think I have a crush on Justin or something?"

"Not Justin," the Taunter said ominously, gesturing to Noah.

"No," Cody said weakly, "You're lying. Quit lying!"

He screamed and then fell to the floor in a fetal position and began sucking his thumb.

"Hey, _that _was uncalled for," Gwen said.

"Oh… was it, princess of the night? Or should I say… queen bee?" the Taunter asked.

Gwen was taken aback. The Taunter continued, "You do realize that this goth thing is super-mainstream now. You're not an individual… you're just… a poser!"

Gwen was very angry. "What?" she shouted, "A POSER? Trent, you don't agree with him, do you?"

Trent responded unconvincingly (from Gwen's point of view), "Of course not."

"Oh, that's really a nice thing to say," the Taunter turned to Trent as he said, then turned back to Gwen, "Too bad someone as boring and clone-like as you could never get such a rugged boyfriend."

Gwen started to cry, and ran as far out of the room as she was allowed.

"Listen, this _isn't _working, you're just making everyone too upset to do anything," Trent said.

"Oh, I'm sorry. That was my purpose, but I guess as a fad musician, you don't have enough brains to comprehend what my motives are," the Taunter said.

"Fad!" Trent asked, "You take that back!"

He then began to wrestle with the Taunter, when Leshawna told them, "Break it up! Break it up!"

"Why should I listen to you? You're black. I don't have to do anything you say," the Taunter said.

"Oh, you did _not _just go there," Leshawna said, taking away her position of neutrality and joining Trent. Finally, the Taunter was able to wriggle free, and headed over to his next target, Owen.

"Hey, Owen," the Taunter said, "You're fat."

Owen giggled. "Yeah, I know, right?"

"You eat way too much food and are going to die young," the Taunter continued.

"But I'll die happy," Owen said, smiling peacefully.

"But you don't seem to realize," the Taunter finished, "That by being so fat and dying so young, you'll _never _attract someone as handsome as Justin." Owen's eyes welled with tears.

"You mean… no chance… even if he does like guys?" Owen asked.

"That's what I mean, exactly," the Taunter responded.

Owen started running around the room and crying.

The Taunter approached Noah, who blocked him with his hand and said, "Trust me, you want to save me for last."

Deciding the warning possibly being true was more important than it possibly being false, the Taunter decided to go after Justin instead. He just walked by, and pretending to talk quietly so that Justin wouldn't hear, he said, "Well, I don't know about most of these kids, but that Justin is _really _ugly." When he saw Justin look up, he said, "Oh, hi, Justin, I didn't see you there." Justin dropped his head on the table and cried.

He quickly found Lindsay, Beth, and Heather. To Heather, he said, "I have never seen a bigger loser in my life!"

"What did you say?" Heather asked, getting angry.

"I mean, I won't blame the queen bee," he said, pointing to the crying Gwen in the corner, "For not wanting to be friends with you."

"Excuse me?" Heather asked. "_I _am the queen bee. _Gwen _is the loser."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Heather," the Taunter said, "I misspoke. You see, there is a bigger loser than you here." He pointed to Beth. "I mean, she's such a loser, she won't _ever _be cool."

"Not even if I get my braces off?" Beth asked.

"Not even then."

"Not even if I get contacts?" she continued.

"Ugh… especially not then. Then your ugly eyes wouldn't be obscured," the Taunter continued.

Beth froze up completely. Lindsay said, "Hey, don't be mean to my… friends…"

"Oh, I'm sowwy," the Taunter said condescendingly. "Did I make the big baby cwy?"

Lindsay asked, "Did you just call me a baby?"

"Well you're about as dumb as one," the Taunter said.

"Hey, that's not fair!" Lindsay said, "I don't poop on the floor."

"Ooh! Ooh! Get me!" Izzy said.

"Huh, I really don't have much to say. You're kind of bland, really," the Taunter said. Suddenly Izzy looked less happy, and quite upset.

"B-bland? I've never been called _bland _before! I'm always the weird chick, the crazy, the loon! Never _bland!" _Izzy shouted, jumping backwards and hitting her head on the table.

The Taunter stared at Noah for a bit, when the bookworm blurted out, "Try me."

"Okay, here it goes," the Taunter said, "You're a stupid idiot."

"Nice try," Noah responded.

"You're totally in love with…"

"Let me guess… a dork? A girl I hate? A guy? Heard it," Noah answered.

"You have no physical skills whatsoever!" he claimed.

"Like. I. Care."

His teammates watched this back-and-forth go on for several minutes until finally, it resulted in the following exchange: "You… have an ugly forehead."

"Blame my parents, not me," Noah responded, "Now are you quite finished with your childish attempts to offend me? I'm trying to read my book."

The Taunter turned white and ran out of the room. "Oh, yeah," Noah said, "I am good."

"Did you taunt all of the Screaming Gophers?"

"Succeeded on… ten… including… Izzy…excluding…Katie," the Taunter said and practically fainted.

"Ten?" Chris asked, "Why only ten? That's _eleven."_

"Noah… un…offended…to…the…end," the Taunter responded, just before passing out completely.

Chris groaned when he realized he could not dock the Taunter's pay.


	3. The Taunter Taunts the Killer Bass

Author's Note: Trilingual bonus for big Star Trek and El Goonish Shive fans

"Chris was not too pleased with my result with the last team," the Taunter said, "Unfortunately, one of their members was too much of a smartass for my own good. Is anyone on this team a smartass?"

"Duncan is!" Courtney shouted.

"Well, Duncan," the Taunter whispered, "I don't think you strike me as too much of a threat. After all, you only go to juvenile detention because you have a cry for help."

"Wh-what do you mean, a cry for help? I don't need any help!" Duncan said, faux-confidently.

"Oh, well, it's just that you've been so helpless all these years. I bet you get hit at home," the Taunter said.

"I'll have you know that I love my parents!" Duncan blurted. He immediately covered his mouth with his hands.

"Hey, everyone!" the Taunter shouted, "_Duncan loves his parents."_

All the girls except Eva said, "Aww…" in unison.

Duncan, blushing, and doing a sliding face-palm, left mumbling what sounded like obscene words.

"What was that?" Courtney asked disapprovingly.

"Nothing," Duncan lied.

"Hey, Courtney," the Taunter said.

"What, Taunter?" Courtney said, "I know your tricks. I won't fall for anything."

"You're stupid, you know?" the Taunter said.

"I'm not stupid!" Courtney shouted, offended, "I'm a certified CIT."

"It doesn't matter how certified you are, you're still stupid." The Taunter said, showing his tricky eyes, knowing that he was going to win this, "Too stupid to realize that you're madly in love _with Duncan!"_

"I'm not in love with Duncan!" Courtney said.

"Oh, really?" the Taunter said, "I don't believe you. I mean it's obvious you two are a married couple."

"That's not even true!" Courtney yelled, beginning to hesitate now, "Why would anyone be in love with someone so rude and dangerous and _dreamy… _I meant not! Not dreamy! Even a little bit! I have to go…"

"You really shouldn't be this mean," Bridgette said.

"I'm mean, Bridgette?" the Taunter asked, "Why, because I want to eat this bunny I found on the ground?"

"Drop the bunny!" DJ shouted.

"Don't mind if I do?" the Taunter yelled, chucking the bunny out the window, along with Bridgette's surfboard which he snapped in half. Bridgette and DJ both looked crushed, and began to cry, and hold each other to make the pain go away.

"Like, why so mean?" Geoff asked the Taunter. "Maybe you should come to my party, and that will help you be nicer!"

"Party?" the Taunter said, "I'd rather not… oh, wait, if I don't go, maybe no one will go. After all, you don't have any friends."

"But just last year they all came," Geoff exclaimed.

"But that was a dream," the Taunter said. Geoff was confused enough to believe him. He put his head in his hands and sat down looking dejected.

"You can't possibly say anything mean about _me," _Harold said, crossing his arms, closing his eyes, and putting his nose high in the air.

"You do not know kung-fu. And that language you thought was Klingon was Uryuomoco this whole time!" the Taunter responded.

"What!" Harold asked, "No way, you're way off your rocker!"

"That's right," the Taunter said, "You've been talking in Uryuomoco at Star Trek conventions!"

"No, you idiot, that was Comic-Con!" Harold said, "At the Star Trek conventions, meh, yu'n kloggi calo yug quuc Klingon_; __yuQvetlh _taH Uryuomoco."

"I don't know what you said, and neither do any girls!" the Taunter yelled at Harold, who ended up looking dejected.

"Well, I'm ready for my blow," Tyler said.

"You blow," the Taunter simply stated.

"HEY!" Tyler shouted and attempted to strangle the Taunter. However the adult ran away from him quickly and caught up with Katie and Sadie.

"Oh, hi Katie. How is my _favorite _person?" the Taunter asked.

"What, aren't you going to insult me?" Katie asked, blushing.

"Why would I insult someone as beautiful as you?" he asked.

Katie squealed and then began to giggle. Sadie looked at her accusingly. "KATIE!" Sadie shouted, "I thought we were supposed to _stick together to the end!"_

"We will, just with the Taunter as our third wheel," Katie said optimistically.

"Oh, nonononono…" the Taunter said, "The offer of friendship is only for you, Katie. Not for Sadie."

"No. Way!" Katie said, "That's so unfair."

"Beautiful people like us don't need ugly people like her to slow us down. I mean, look, she weighs like one hundred K and is baring her _midriff."_

Sadie began to cry, and then Katie got extremely mad and smacked the Taunter in the face. "It's okay, Sadie, he's just trying to be mean," Katie said, trying to comfort her friend.

"Ah," the Taunter said, "Only one left." He looked eagerly at Eva. Ezekiel jumped in his face.

"You forgot to do me, eh!" he shouted. The Taunter dropped Ezekiel to the floor, and Ezekiel grabbed onto the Taunter's ankle. "You forgot to do me!" The Taunter tried to shake Ezekiel off of him, and ended up flinging him into Tyler's groin.

"Ow!" Tyler shouted.

"As I was saying… only one left…" the Taunter said, rubbing his hands together in anticipation.

"You really are a delicate lady," he directed at Eva. "If you want to keep your girlish figure, drop the dumbbell."

"Don't mind if I do," Eva said, and dropped her barbell onto the Taunter's _foot, _causing him to cry out in pain. "Now," she said, lifting him by the scruff of the neck, "_What did you say?"_

"I just said that you were… you know… big and strong, and not weak and girly at all…" the Taunter said, now terrified. Eva spat in his face, and dropped him to the ground.

"That's what I thought you said," she responded, and started to walk away, but on the way, she came to an epiphany, "Hey, wait a minute, _did you just call me a man!"_

"No, no, no," the Taunter said, "I never said you weren't a girl… I said you weren't _girly."_

"So being a girl is a _bad thing?" _Eva asked. Everyone then knew it was a bad idea to make sexist comments around Eva—except Ezekiel, who had been knocked out by the impact on Tyler.

"No, that's not what I meant at all… I have to go!" the Taunter screamed and then ran away as fast as humanly possible. Unfortunately, he ran right into Chris.

"So," Chris said, with an obvious hint of annoyance in his voice, "Better track record, this time, _I hope."_

"Oh, don't worry, I got… most of them."

"Most of them? That was last time!" Chris yelled, "Don't tell me you missed one again!"

"I'm sorry, but that Eva is _intimidating," _the Taunter said.

"True," Chris responded, arms crossed, "But _you're supposed _to be the expert at this."

"How can you expect me to be an expert—no, more than that, _perfect_? I'm an _intern! _You're not even paying me!" the Taunter added. "Forget you, McLean; I'm on to bigger and better things."

Chris gulped audibly, and then said, "This. Cannot. Be Good."

Eva nearly ran over Chris trying to catch up to the Taunter, but luckily (or maybe not), he dodged it just in time.

"Stupid Chris," the Taunter said, "Maybe if I show him how hard it is to taunt those two, he'll reconsider his expectations, or even pay me!"


	4. The Taunter's NonVictims Battle Chris

The Taunter went up to Eva, and said, "Eva… I need your help."

"Why would I help you?" Eva asked, "You insulted me."

"I know, I know, but… well, Chris has been giving me a hard time about losing to you.

"I've never lost, and I plan to keep it that way," Eva said.

"That's great, that's great. See, I'm going to pit you against Chris in a taunting fight," the Taunter said, "You will be the defense."

"Defense?" Eva said, "You mean you don't think I can give a blow?"

"Well, this _is _a taunting fight after all. Emotional blows are the most important ones," the Taunter said. "Physical guard is part of the defense."

"Oh, so who are we going to have on offense?" Eva asked curiously.

"No."

"Come on," the Taunter said. "Haven't you ever wanted to get Chris?"

"Well, yeah, but, I've never wanted to team up with you…" Noah continued.

"Please?" the Taunter said. "In all my years of taunting, the only person I couldn't out-taunt was you. And you didn't even need to use force like Eva."

"I still don't see why I should help you," Noah said.

"Because you _are _me, okay?" the Taunter asked.

"I don't follow," Noah said, monotonously. "Here you are, begging on your hands and knees for me to help you, and I'm refusing. How does that make me… you… oh…" He sighed emphatically. "Fine, I concede."

"You won't regret this," the Taunter said, "Group hug!"

Noah and Eva said in unison, "No."

"Chris?" the Taunter said, while the host had his back turned.

"Hmm?" Chris asked. "What was that? I thought I heard a _quitting intern."_

"No, Chris," the Taunter said, "I didn't quit. I still have a contract with Total Drama Island. What I said was that I was moving on to bigger and better things… namely, these two."

Noah and Eva approached from the shadows.

"Hello, Chris," Eva said. "Your Taunter has turned traitor."

"No, no, no," Chris laughed—not the innocuous-sounding maniacal laughter he usually had, but a nervous chuckle, and he began to sweat. "He would never turn traitor."

"Chris," the Taunter said, "These are the two kids I could _not _break. Noah, the Iron Will, and Eva, the Iron Fist… who will henceforth be known only as the Iron Will, and the Iron Fist, because their names are _none of your concern."_

"Oh," Noah said, not sounding at all like he had just figured out something, "It's a rank thing."

"And they will have a taunting fight with you… with the Iron Will on offense and the Iron Fist on defense," the Taunter proclaimed.

"Wait, no fair!" Chris exclaimed, "That's two against one! I hire, Chef Hatchet as my defense."

"Oh, it's going down, baby," Chef Hatchet said.

"If by it, you mean _you guys, _I couldn't agree more!" Eva retorted.

"I will referee the fight," the Taunter said, "Just so you know we don't cheat, Chris, I'll even let you get the first blow in."

"So, Noah, you're really stupid."

"You can't seriously be recycling the same dumb insults the Taunter hurled at me earlier… honestly…" Noah responded, "If you had any originality at all you wouldn't have even needed him in the first place."

"Who are you calling unoriginal? I have a TV show!" Chris shouted.

"Yeah, a _reality_ TV show. Tell me when you're the head writer on _Psych _or _House," _Noah proclaimed.

"Oh, so you think fiction is more important than reality?" Chris asked, "Because I think you might be in your own little world…"

"I never said it was more _important…_ I said it was more _impressive _to _write fiction _than _host reality television, _which is honestly, less realistic than this novel that I'm reading."

Chef Hatchet snickered, and said, "He got you that time."

"Chef…" Chris whined, "You're supposed to defend me."

"I guess that means we get a point!" Eva shouted.

"Well, you sure do have a big head," Chris said. "I mean, what's it all for, anyway?"

"Obviously, I need a large frontal lobe, otherwise I would just be babbling animalistic nonsense like you," Noah said.

"B-b-b-but…" Chris began.

"I rest my case," Noah said.

Chef Hatchet began to laugh again. Chris punched him in the arm. "Chef, what are you doing? You're supposed to _defend me."_

"Well I don't see Eva… I mean 'the Iron Fist' doing a lot of defending…" Chef Hatchet said, shrugging, and Chris turned to see that Eva had practically fallen asleep.

Chris asked, "Why are you falling asleep?"

"The Iron Will doesn't need me," Eva responded, "He can handle you on his own."

"No, Iron Fist, you're not supposed to be on offense," the Taunter said.

"He walked right into that one," Eva said and shrugged, "You don't have to count it." Then she fell asleep completely.

"This isn't over, Noah!"

"You mean Iron Will!" the Taunter exclaimed.

"What. Ever!" Chris screamed.

"You're right. How can it be over until I talk about how vain you are? Let me tell you this, Chris, I've seen plenty of television personas in my time, and of them, you are definitely, definitely, not the most handsome. In fact, you're probably in at best 120th place."

Chris's eyes got wide, and he frowned. For a moment, it looked like Chris was about to break. Then he got angry, and started trying to strangle Noah.

"Eva… wake… up…" Noah struggled to say, "Need… hlack…"

"It's the Iron Fist!" the Taunter shouted.

"WHAT. EVER!" Chris shouted.

Eva's eyes opened with a shock. "Who woke me up! Who woke me up?" she yelled, and then she noticed what Chris was doing.

She elbowed him directly in the gut, right below where he was holding Noah, which caused him to stumble backwards and drop "the Iron Will" on his back.

He gasped for breath, repeatedly, and then struggled out, "Violence… because… you… could… never… beat… my… words."

"No, seriously, if you ever call me ugly again," Chris shouted, and began to fiercely hold his hands out. Noah blocked his throat with his arms.

Suddenly, time was called. "Okay, guys, final standings: three to nothing, Iron Will."

"Uh, yeah, could you call me 'Noah', _please?" _Noah asked.

"Only if you want to call me Marshall," the Taunter responded.

"Marshall…" Noah said, "What a respectable name. And you seriously hid it with _Taunter?"_

"You can stop taunting me now," Marshall said, feeling quite outdone even after his rival had become his ally.

"Well, I guess it's over," Chris said, "I lost. There's nothing left I can do."

"Sure there is," Chef Hatchet responded, "Remember, he's only here as long as we keep him here…"

"You're right!" Chris shouted, as he walked up to Marshall.

"So, Taunter," Chris said, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to let go of you. I mean, I loved how you could get under the campers' skin… but was not so thrilled about how you got under _my _skin."

"You'll regret this," Marshall said, "I'm the best damn thing that ever happened to you."

"I know," Chris said, "You were. You taught me a valuable lesson. An ego is an important thing to shield. However, right now, I need to go convince Noah and Eva that they aren't allowed to disobey me just because I lost."

"Yeah, I'm sure these two will make it to the bitter end of this competition," Marshall said.

"You're probably right," Chris responded.

Author's notes: Hooray for dramatic irony.


End file.
